How to Turn 40

OK, focusing just on the here and now...I've been in this country, in this city for nine years. I have no close friends here. How can I go nine years without making one or two close friends? Even more difficult to explain, how do I go nine years without caring that I've not made a few close friends? I seem to have put people at arms length and kept them there, not wanting to be close. I use excuses to explain this. My husband wanted me to befriend all his ex-girlfriends. I actually tried that for several years. No, I'm not that open minded, especially when my husband is a little fuzzy on boundary issues. I played sports for years and hung with the group of girls. They were unpretentious and fun, but I didn't have much in common with any of them outside of the rink. Those I did have things in common with spent their time outside the rink on the domestic front, much like I was doing. My husband had an affair. There, it's out there. During this time, I knew something was wrong, and felt like nothing I was doing was right. I spent my time and energy trying to make things right. Just a little heads up for those in this position. If you don't know what's wrong, you can't fix it. Find out what's wrong first. Having said that, I did find out, in the end, what was wrong. Queue the melt down - a serious melt down. I didn't like me. How was anyone else going to. Now, I'm coming out of that dark place into the light. And, I find that I've spent nine years here, and have little to show for that nine years. If I were to disappear tomorrow, nobody here would really miss me. And, that, that is so very sad. And sadder still, I don't know how to fix the situation. I don't know how to find a circle of friends now. I've forgotten how. I've cocooned myself for so long I still feel trapped inside even though I'm capable of spreading my wings now. Deep and heartfelt today...tons of fun for the reader, huh?