How to Turn 40

We're supposed to be receiving a bonus at work...Kindly, they're to attach it to our pay (which means I can kiss 50% of that bonus bye-bye before it gets anywhere near my pocket - I'll see it on the pay stub and that's as close as I'll get). Even so, it's a substantial bonus...So, here's my question: Do I decide to use it to pay down existing bills, or do I do something FUN with it like purchase a new washer and dryer??? OK, I'm wanting to use it to go on holiday. I haven't had a proper holiday since we last had a pay raise...four years ago! I could use a holiday. Or, being the slacker I am, ok, the sloth I am, maybe I should invest in the HDTV/recorder box. It would make my hours upon hours spent in front of the TV each week that much more enjoyable. Maybe I could use it to buy a bedroom furniture set...no more dorm room bedroom. I think by the time you hit 40 you're entitled to have a bedroom suite, don't you? There are just so many things that I could do with that money...I guess the real question becomes, how do I make sure my DH doesn't know about the bonus until AFTER I've spent it!?!?!? :)

First of all, let me just say to my Grandmother, who, as I type is rolling over in her grave, "I have not abandoned my heritage simply by deciding to wear the colour green today, and I am sorry if I've disturbed your rest. I love you." My Grandmother, may she rest in peace, was a kind, loving, giving, thoughtful, fun, and above all else Protestant woman. She was the cornerstone of our family, our matriarch, and we miss her every day. But, this is St. Patrick's Day and for this one day, I can wear the green without guilt! Yes, Protestant women are as affected by guilt as Catholic women are!!! Surprise...I guess that's one of those dirty little secretes that's not supposed to get out there, but I've said it, and I won't take it back - no matter how guilty I feel!!!

So, I'd decided to wear green...for most women my age that would be the end of it. They know what's in their closets and they can actually access their closets. I'm not sure what's lurking in mine. The "closet approach" is a little cluttered at the moment. It's not like I don't wear green. Green is a favorite colour of mine...but, then, I'm looking for not only something green, but something clean as well. Now, therein lies the trouble...Most of the clutter in front of the closet is a heap of clothing - NOT all mine, I want to be quick to point out. I'm not living in this world of disorganized all on my own! OK, no running off to finger point...back to it...So, rather than look last night, I go to bed assured that I will not only be able to get to my closet, but once there, I will be able to locate something green, that's clean, and fits (yes, let's not forget something that fits...the years have been generous to my waistline, giving it all it could want and more). I step into the clutter with all the conviction in the world that my task will be an easy one...Was that something snapping under my weight? What's down there??? Never mind...forward...Another step and my foot rolls off to the side twisting my ankle slightly. It's a special day (green beer, think green beer) and a little pain will not deter me...I'm at the closet entrance!!! I'm half way home!!! Leaning precariously to my left, I start to sift through the clothing on the top bar. Blue, blue, black, brown (brown? I own something brown?), orange...lots of orange (when did I buy so much orange??? Grandma???). Oh, green, I see something green!!! Oh...I can't wear THAT...it's a t-shirt that I bought when I was in my 20's and just haven't been able to let go of yet. So NOT appropriate for work. Keep looking...Onto the shelves (I didn't put them there, they were there when we moved into the townhouse...nice of those other handy people to put in some shelves). There it is...Green...Clean...It fits...It's a sweater!!! Oh, a low cut sweater...I need to find a "base" to wear underneath it...The search begins anew for something beige (I don't think I OWN anything beige...but that's NOT a bad thing, so never mind), or black, or even brown...Black. I've got a tank top that's kind of clean...that'll do.

Nice...For me, this is style (which just means that it's not more than 10 years old). The low scoop of the tank top looks nice with the v-cut of the sweater...I'm happy, I'm wearing green. I'm, OH, I'm LATE!!! OK, quick little nod to the puppy before I'm on the way out the door...Puppy...No, I've got to go to work...Puppy? Oh, NO!!! I guess she wasn't feeling all that well...my clean, green sweater that fit is now covered in baby puppy vomit :(

Happy St. Patrick's Day!!! I KNEW my Grandma wouldn't let a little something like death keep her from keeping me from wearing green!!!!!

I was forced to drive in inclement weather this past weekend. I've been driving for twenty three years. That's a long time. I've managed to find an excuse for not driving in the snow/ice for all twenty three of those years. So now, my dear husband having had too much to drink, I am forced out not only to drive someone home who could have taken a bus, called a taxi, or stayed over, but to run from the house into the weather to avoid my husband's behaviour!!! The fact that I would rather face the weather than my husband when he's been drinking says a lot, doesn't it? He's not a physically mean drunk, but he's a self-centred one, one that belittles and pokes at the one he's supposed to love the most. Me. Off into the weather I went, white knuckles gripped on the wheel, tires slipping and sliding at their leisure, listening to the "fare" saying how much she hates this weather, and how afraid she is, when she gets home, to walk to her front door, what with how slippery it is out there...No mention that I'm driving on an ice rink to get her safely home, no thank you when we pull up outside her place alive, and without dents. I was then so annoyed with her self-centredness that I need not have gone out into the cold to escape my husband's in the first place. Winter Catch-22. When IS it my turn to drink? When is it my turn to be driven home? When is it my turn to hand over the responsibility reigns??? Did I use up all those rights when I was younger, when I was self-centred??? Maybe I did. But, it'll be a cold day in hell before I go out in weather like again for anyone else!!!

Oh my, talk about a serious pity party. That one almost had it's own ticker-tape parade!!! Maybe a clue into why I have no serious friends here!!! I was just about to say that it was time to pull myself up by my bootstraps and move past all that woe-is-my stuff. But, I think I've already uninvited myself to the party, and am moving on. Funny...I actually say to myself, when I hear that pity party music starting to play, "I'm happy and health, I'm happy and healthy" until the music dies down a little and I can move forward with my day again. It sounds sappy. It sounds ridiculous. But, so far, so good. I have momentary lapses. Don't we all though.

This weekend brought many an interesting little moment, included in these were: receiving a rum cake in the mail from neighbor's of my fueding cousins, setting off the fire alarm with a clothes dryer and hot water, and getting peed on by a boxer. OK, I'm giving you the top three moments here, and maybe that's not fair. I know you all want to live my life now! :)

Puppy is doing well (and managed to avoid getting peed on). Except I found out that her breeder is a bit of a mad hatter sort that really, maybe should no longer be allowed to have the accedadation of the kennel clubs. That's neither here nor there as far as puppy's health is concerned though. We were able to keep her calm and quiet for about a day. And, I think it's amazing she stayed still that long. What a little trooper!

I can feel this is kind of disjointed, but Spring is in the air, and my brain can't seem to find a focus. That, and it's almost lunch time and my blood sugar may be a little low... Is it fair to blame PMS?

OK, focusing just on the here and now...I've been in this country, in this city for nine years. I have no close friends here. How can I go nine years without making one or two close friends? Even more difficult to explain, how do I go nine years without caring that I've not made a few close friends? I seem to have put people at arms length and kept them there, not wanting to be close. I use excuses to explain this. My husband wanted me to befriend all his ex-girlfriends. I actually tried that for several years. No, I'm not that open minded, especially when my husband is a little fuzzy on boundary issues. I played sports for years and hung with the group of girls. They were unpretentious and fun, but I didn't have much in common with any of them outside of the rink. Those I did have things in common with spent their time outside the rink on the domestic front, much like I was doing. My husband had an affair. There, it's out there. During this time, I knew something was wrong, and felt like nothing I was doing was right. I spent my time and energy trying to make things right. Just a little heads up for those in this position. If you don't know what's wrong, you can't fix it. Find out what's wrong first. Having said that, I did find out, in the end, what was wrong. Queue the melt down - a serious melt down. I didn't like me. How was anyone else going to. Now, I'm coming out of that dark place into the light. And, I find that I've spent nine years here, and have little to show for that nine years. If I were to disappear tomorrow, nobody here would really miss me. And, that, that is so very sad. And sadder still, I don't know how to fix the situation. I don't know how to find a circle of friends now. I've forgotten how. I've cocooned myself for so long I still feel trapped inside even though I'm capable of spreading my wings now. Deep and heartfelt today...tons of fun for the reader, huh?

Poor little puppy...she turned six months old yesterday, and her present was a trip to the vet hospital to be spayed. First she was denied food. You try to explain to a pug they can't eat. It's not a fun experience. She tried every trick in the book. She ran through all the things she learned at dog school: sit, down, stand, stay, leave it, off. She tried them in various orders: down, stand, spin, sit and then off, leave it, down, sit, stand, stay. She tried the puppy dog eyes, the tilted head, the puggy whimper. Then she pulled out all the stops and tried the exposed belly...Nothing. Early the next morning (yesterday) she was bundled up in the car and driven across town to the doggy hospital. She was cruelly abandoned into the arms of someone that smelled faintly of something she didn't like, and this new person wouldn't feed her either. Next she knew she was being handed back to us, woozy, barely able to lift her head. When we got her back to the house she didn't even care that she STILL wasn't allowed to eat. We kept trying to make her drink. She didn't want to. When she did, it all just came back up anyhow...on our clean duvet cover, the sheets, the pillows...This morning she was offered food!!! Food!!!! She'd thought she'd seen the last of glorious food!!!! Her stomach was no match for those big eyes of hers. She ate one too many treats, and took it all out on a sofa pillow, but her tail continued to wag. Food was back up for offer. Everything was going to be alright...